Saturday, March 31, 2012

Mockingbird

Shit.
Fuck me.
I’m fucking crying.
My dad, Shannan, left about two years ago.
I fucking hate that drunk, lying motherfucker.
But I…
I just fucking can’t.
This is.
It describes the way he feels about this shit too perfectly.
My mom was trying to support both me and her. And he was a drunk with no job. He made promises he knew he couldn’t keep. He lied to my face more than enough for a lifetime. The Christmas situation actually happened to us. And. I just.
I can’t. I just fucking can’t.
Damnit, Shannan.
Fuck you.
Fuck you for all of this.
I…
I fuckin love ya Shannan.
Fuck you.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

(If you read the title to the "Meow Mix" theme tune, you're awesome.)

Three day weekend.
Working on SoG.
It WILL be done by the end of April.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Give me one reason to care

Really.
Just one reason.
ONE GOOD REASON to care about ANY of this.
I couldn't care LESS about school.
They aren't teaching me ANYTHING I can use.
And if you're thinking "You won't be saying that later!" trust me, I WILL be saying that later.
I have been taught nothing USEFUL in the last year or so.
I mean, come on. Algebra? No. If you wanna be a mathematician, learn algebra on your own motherfuckin time. Don't take up mine.
On top of that, I have been taught the EXACT SAME THING in Language Arts and Science my entire life.
The only classes I have benefited from are my Civics, Chorus, and TV-Film classes.
On top of it, my Algebra teacher has seven students failing at the moment and one A, IN MY CLASS ALONE.
I'm a writer. I know how to write and read. I have the highest Lexile in my school (tied with Erika's ex-boyfriend). If my Lexile gets much fucking higher, they won't be able to calculate the damn thing. I know how egotistical that sounds, but I'm being serious.
And then I get yelled at for even giving less than a fuck?
No.
No no no.
NO.
In this situation, I believe not giving a fuck is warranted.
Academically, I AM NOT AN OVER-ACHEIVER. I never HAVE been. Before, it just kind of happened. I didn't TRY. I do not care if I am a straight-A student. I am perfectly fine with being average if I excel in doing what I love.
And no, Lori, using the word "average" is not a fucking SIN. I know I'm smart. It's the fact that you expect me to act on it that's bringing me down. How about ya call me STUPID one more time? Compare me to my BROTHER one more time maybe? Yeah. Make me feel fucking bad about being content with focusing my time on something I LOVE and can actually BENEFIT from. Try to get me to look AWAY from my future ENTIRELY, try to make me give up my comics, try to get me to be that academically perfect little daughter who's just like her BROTHER. Tell me how SMART he is one more time. Just do it. I fucking DARE YOU.
I am completely fine being an "average" or even a "below average" student academically if it means I have more time to focus on my comics and do what I LOVE to do and focus on my REAL FUTURE. I'm perfectly content with that. I mean, honestly, if you don't approve of my wanting to be a comic creator, just fucking SAY IT. Don't keep going around screaming about how glad you are I'm creative if that's not how you really feel. That just makes you a liar. And you know how bad I am with liars.
You want me to be a singer, don't you? You want me to be a singer like you wanted to be? Yeah. That's what I thought. I love to sing, Lori, but you are making it HELL for me. Every time I do, you start going on and on and on about how you want me to be a singer. But I do not want to sing professionally. I might release an album or two. But I don't want to do it as a real "job". I am a comic book creator and nothing is going to change that. What do you have against comic books anyway? It's not like I'm writing fuckin Superman. I'm writing something with a real story and a real plot. It's practically a novel. But no. No no no. Unless it IS a novel, unless it's what you "thought I would do" then I just CAN'T DO IT, now can I? Actually come to think of it, you'd be fine if I was anything BUT a comic book artist, wouldn't you? I mean, you thought I'd be an actress, a singer, a writer... But never a comic book creator. And because your little "prediction" about me wasn't right, you've got an issue, don't ya?
Well fuck you.
Just fuck you.
I don't care.
I am not my sister.
I am not my brother.
I'm not you.
I am ME.
I'm a girl who loves anime and comic books, who spends time messing around on tumblr, tv tropes, and wikipedia, who happens to be a bit of a pervert, who can be pretty lazy, who knows she's smart, whose knows she's pretty, who loves to sing, who writes to vent, who draws to meditate, who creates comic books of her own.
I'm a Blu Butterfli.

Monday, March 26, 2012

I went to see my cousin Barbie today. She is dying of cancer. At this point, we all just want it to end for her. She is going back to Illinois tomorrow. So, we stayed for a while, helped her pack... Shit like that.
My grandfather is also in the hospital again. He previously had cancer. The radiation gave him massive scar tissue on his lungs and gave him emphysema. He will most likely need to be on a steroid inhaler and be on oxygen for the rest of his life. He lost nearly all his weight and is balding. I just today realized that he will never be the same Gramps I remember. We don't even know how long he is going to survive. He is the closest thing to a real father I have ever had.
Essentially, I am no longer going to be able to be with either of these people.
I swear to whatever higher power there may or may not be, I will make everyone proud of me before I lose anyone.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

"Very Good Job."

I'm still alive.
Also, I'm working my ass off.
Fucking FCAT in a few weeks.
I'm not worried but...
This means less time to work on SoG.
And I'm out of school in 11 weeks.
And I really want to get the first volume published before my brother gets down this summer.
Because Brennan has always kind of been a "Well Done Son Guy" for me.
You know, for lack of a better term.
I really want him to be able to acknowledge me for doing something big.
I want him to tell me I did a good job.
"Yes, yes, very good job, Zoe."
With that smirk.
That always-there false sarcasm.
And I'd brush it off.
"Haha, yeah, thanks."
 Say it snarky.
Say it like it's nothing.
But I'd really be happier than ever.
"Yes, yes, very good job, Zoe."
That's what I want.
That's what I want more than anything.
Call it cliche.
Whatever.
I just want my big brother to be proud of me.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

UHG. I HATE WRITERS BLOCK.OH MY GOD FUCKING KILL ME. IT'S NOT WRITERS BLOCK, I JUST HATE WRITING FOR SoG. UUUUUUHHHHHHHHGGGGGG.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

I hate creepos who forget the fact that I'm a TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL.
I really just wish I was a cat right now. Then I could curl up in the cupboard and die out of sight.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

The Facepalm of Gilgamesh

I'm sorry, but I'm having trouble believing that this little weeaboo-kawaii-sugoi-nyan-desu-desu has an IQ over 20.
Origami is Japanese.
A lot of great things come from places outside of Japan (like chocolate).
If you’re drawing just to be popular, you should just stop.
And finally...
Manga/anime styles are no better than any other style. As a matter of fact, a lot of people dislike them. And realistic? I'm sorry, no. On the Sliding Scale of Abstract to Realism, manga/anime is usually placed in a light gray area between "Original Disney" (for old fashioned styles Osamu Tezuka's) right up closer under "American Comic Book" (for styles like Hideo Yamamoto's). Most styles fall between these two boundaries, with occasional exceptions for people like Lily who draw a bit more realistically than the American comic book - once again, exception not rule. As a whole, manga/anime styles are still on the cartoony side of the spectrum. This makes perfect sense once you consider that most manga/anime styles are not meant to mimic reality, just like most cartoons.
See, this is the difference between an artist and an idiot. An artist is willing to not only accept flaws in their own style, but is also open to other styles; an idiot is, well, an idiot.





One last thing...
IT'S 10% INCORRECT, BITCH!


Anyway, I here's what I posted on deviantArt last night [link] 


Also, I have a shitfuck painful ear infection and god fucking dammit I'm starting to think it'd be less painful just to rip the god-forsaken thing right out of my head.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

This Is What It Feels Like

This is what it feels like to write, draw, sing, act anything creative. It feels like you totally rule the world, like you're in charge of everything and everyone must bow to you or else they be slain, like what you're creating will never die, and you yourself are immortal by extent. That boy drawing in the corner? The girl with a beautiful singing voice? The geek in drama? That freak with their journal always covering their face? One day they'll be in charge, they'll be making a legacy. And you? You'll be the one on the street, following their rules in their world, subjected to the tyranny that is the media. We are the rulers of this world. We are the kings and queens, the heroes and the villains.
This is what it feels like...and I love it.

Thing that pisses me off # 207

When you fall asleep after school and you don't wake up until 1 minute to 9. Then the people around you complain that they couldn't get you up.
Find a way, guys, find a way. Even if I might gut you alive then, in 5, 6 minutes I'll be thanking you.