Monday, July 30, 2012

I'm still alive, guys

Sorry I haven't updated in a long time. Other things caught my attention.

I'm really only here right now to leave this song, because due to recent events it means a lot to me.


I've recently started the butterfly project. When I can finally get my dear friend Alan down here, I want to get tattoos of my Blu Butterfli on my chest and shoulders.

I'm stopping for him.

I want to be able to help him.

And as long as I'm giving in to what my mind does to me, I can't do that.

I'm doing this for him.

I'm doing this for my butterfly boy.

Sunday, May 27, 2012


If I had to choose a song to define the entirety of my existence on this Earth, this would be it.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

"Iris" by Z.M

I figured I would make this post on just what Iris is. So here.
As you might’ve guessed, it’s a book. Except Iris is going to be a series of four books, all written and illustrated by me.
Here’s the description under the "My Works" tab:
In a post-apocalyptic world where survival of the fittest reigns supreme and the Eye Caste is obeyed strictly, a young woman searches for a way to get back at the man who snagged her guardian away.

That’s just a bloop.
A more accurate representation would be (tv tropes warning):
In a World Half Empty where “Why Don’t You Just Shoot Him?” is what it all comes down to and a tyrannical form of barely-government reigns, a young woman searches for a way to get back at the man who forced her to gouge out the eyes of her designated parent. And then he kept the eyes. And continued to take other peoples’ eyes. And also keep them. Just for kicks and giggles. (And yes, I do love tv tropes.)
…and now you can turn the page to Chapter 1.
Yeah, it’s that kind of book.
Here’s the Morality Chart for it. Note that Jae (Tritagonist), Tallinn (Protagonist), and Morn (Deuteragonist) are the main characters, while pretty much everyone else are antagonists in some way. And even they’re antagonists towards each other and/or themselves.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Trigger 3

Oh god oh god oh god oh god I lost her number I lost the number OF THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON WHO CAN CALM ME DOWN why the fuck is this happening this can’t be happening why is this happening it’s not fair I need to talk to her oh god oh god oh god why the fuck is this happening.

Trigger 2

Why can’t I trust anyone again. Why is this happening AGAIN. I want to trust. Why can’t I trust. God damn it just when I was getting better this shit has to happen. I thought I was over this. Why can’t I be over this. Please dear god. I need to be over this. Please. I want to trust again why am I so fucking weak that I’m even letting him get into my existence I don’t want him here get out of my head get out of my head I wanna forget why can’t I forget why can’t I forget?
Someone get me a fucking razor.

Trigger

Why is this happening why is it that everything has to come crashing down again I lost my grandfather and my may-as-well-be-sister cousin my mom hates me my step dad hates me everyone hates me and I’m just a selfish bitch for complaining and I hate myself for it and please dear god nobody see this I don’t fucking deserve to live I’m just like my father aren’t I I’m just like my fucking father I’m a liar and a hypocrite and I should just fucking die and I don’t want to be anymore I don’t want to try I just want to stay in my house for the rest of my life I don’t want anyone to know I exist and I want to stay in here and starve to death because I’m so fucking fat I don’t deserve to eat and I am so fucking ugly I’m not a good person I’m a horrible person I’m too afraid to call my best friend because I would make her leave too and I’m sick of being alone but I just want to be alone can someone please just fucking kill me already why do I have to be so useless why do I have to hurt everyone it’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair why why why why why why why

Thursday, April 26, 2012

my head hurts my brain hearts my chest hurts my heart hurts i cant think i xant fucking think oh my god i dont want to be here i dont want to e anywheerwwew cant i justg fdukcking dsiadppeaer i diotn want to i d[pnt wanst to i dont wa tn tooh mty gpd [plesswe somkeone ednd ethings shit
I'm not a failure.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

I Can Do What I Want - a PSA by Zoe Marshall

This reeeeally wasn’t meant to be angry, but it ended up angry so… Sorry, I guess. I’m just sick of people treating me like I lack a mental capacity.
Moral of the story: Don’t listen to the limitations others put on you. You can do whatever you want if you have the determination to do it.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Artyshtuff - Jae

 


Here, have a crappy reference sheet for one of my characters. Except you guys get the tiny watermarked version because I don't trust the internet.
This is Jae Roberts, one of the main characters in the book I'm writing, Iris.
Jae is the hero's therapist, and literally his only friend. He hides his emotions and does things he doesn't even agree with just to fit in with social norms (that's also why he's anorexic but...). He really, honestly, tries to stay neutral, but 7 times out of 10 he'll fail and end up calling the person he's disagreeing with a fool or something similar - especially if that person is our hero.
Jae's personality is based around Freud's concept of Superego, with the other protagonists taking Ego and Id, respectively. He's not much of a fighter, but when he has to fight he uses 6 over-sized needles, three in each hand. His associated animal is the house-cat and his color is yellow.


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

So uh I was writing to kill time and somehow I started a new book and these are the main charries for it. Morning “Morn” Gloria (left, male) and Tallin Sasha (right, female but dresses as a boy to get closer to Morn)


Saturday, April 7, 2012

I'll be on Ustream coloring my fantrolls in a bit if anyone's interested.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

My grandfather just died.
He never got to see me publish.
He never got to see my reign.
He never got to see me cry happy tears.
My grandfather just died.
I'm allowed to be apathetic.
I want to be left alone.
But all my mom can say is "Yeah, he'd really appreciate that."
Fuck you.
My grandfather just died.
He was the closest thing I had to a father for nearly all my life.
He never got to see me publish.
He never got to see my reign.
He never got to see me cry happy tears.
He just died.
I'm clawing my skin off.
My grandfather just died.
He was the closest thing I had to a father nearly all my life.
My grandfather just died.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Mockingbird

Shit.
Fuck me.
I’m fucking crying.
My dad, Shannan, left about two years ago.
I fucking hate that drunk, lying motherfucker.
But I…
I just fucking can’t.
This is.
It describes the way he feels about this shit too perfectly.
My mom was trying to support both me and her. And he was a drunk with no job. He made promises he knew he couldn’t keep. He lied to my face more than enough for a lifetime. The Christmas situation actually happened to us. And. I just.
I can’t. I just fucking can’t.
Damnit, Shannan.
Fuck you.
Fuck you for all of this.
I…
I fuckin love ya Shannan.
Fuck you.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

(If you read the title to the "Meow Mix" theme tune, you're awesome.)

Three day weekend.
Working on SoG.
It WILL be done by the end of April.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Give me one reason to care

Really.
Just one reason.
ONE GOOD REASON to care about ANY of this.
I couldn't care LESS about school.
They aren't teaching me ANYTHING I can use.
And if you're thinking "You won't be saying that later!" trust me, I WILL be saying that later.
I have been taught nothing USEFUL in the last year or so.
I mean, come on. Algebra? No. If you wanna be a mathematician, learn algebra on your own motherfuckin time. Don't take up mine.
On top of that, I have been taught the EXACT SAME THING in Language Arts and Science my entire life.
The only classes I have benefited from are my Civics, Chorus, and TV-Film classes.
On top of it, my Algebra teacher has seven students failing at the moment and one A, IN MY CLASS ALONE.
I'm a writer. I know how to write and read. I have the highest Lexile in my school (tied with Erika's ex-boyfriend). If my Lexile gets much fucking higher, they won't be able to calculate the damn thing. I know how egotistical that sounds, but I'm being serious.
And then I get yelled at for even giving less than a fuck?
No.
No no no.
NO.
In this situation, I believe not giving a fuck is warranted.
Academically, I AM NOT AN OVER-ACHEIVER. I never HAVE been. Before, it just kind of happened. I didn't TRY. I do not care if I am a straight-A student. I am perfectly fine with being average if I excel in doing what I love.
And no, Lori, using the word "average" is not a fucking SIN. I know I'm smart. It's the fact that you expect me to act on it that's bringing me down. How about ya call me STUPID one more time? Compare me to my BROTHER one more time maybe? Yeah. Make me feel fucking bad about being content with focusing my time on something I LOVE and can actually BENEFIT from. Try to get me to look AWAY from my future ENTIRELY, try to make me give up my comics, try to get me to be that academically perfect little daughter who's just like her BROTHER. Tell me how SMART he is one more time. Just do it. I fucking DARE YOU.
I am completely fine being an "average" or even a "below average" student academically if it means I have more time to focus on my comics and do what I LOVE to do and focus on my REAL FUTURE. I'm perfectly content with that. I mean, honestly, if you don't approve of my wanting to be a comic creator, just fucking SAY IT. Don't keep going around screaming about how glad you are I'm creative if that's not how you really feel. That just makes you a liar. And you know how bad I am with liars.
You want me to be a singer, don't you? You want me to be a singer like you wanted to be? Yeah. That's what I thought. I love to sing, Lori, but you are making it HELL for me. Every time I do, you start going on and on and on about how you want me to be a singer. But I do not want to sing professionally. I might release an album or two. But I don't want to do it as a real "job". I am a comic book creator and nothing is going to change that. What do you have against comic books anyway? It's not like I'm writing fuckin Superman. I'm writing something with a real story and a real plot. It's practically a novel. But no. No no no. Unless it IS a novel, unless it's what you "thought I would do" then I just CAN'T DO IT, now can I? Actually come to think of it, you'd be fine if I was anything BUT a comic book artist, wouldn't you? I mean, you thought I'd be an actress, a singer, a writer... But never a comic book creator. And because your little "prediction" about me wasn't right, you've got an issue, don't ya?
Well fuck you.
Just fuck you.
I don't care.
I am not my sister.
I am not my brother.
I'm not you.
I am ME.
I'm a girl who loves anime and comic books, who spends time messing around on tumblr, tv tropes, and wikipedia, who happens to be a bit of a pervert, who can be pretty lazy, who knows she's smart, whose knows she's pretty, who loves to sing, who writes to vent, who draws to meditate, who creates comic books of her own.
I'm a Blu Butterfli.

Monday, March 26, 2012

I went to see my cousin Barbie today. She is dying of cancer. At this point, we all just want it to end for her. She is going back to Illinois tomorrow. So, we stayed for a while, helped her pack... Shit like that.
My grandfather is also in the hospital again. He previously had cancer. The radiation gave him massive scar tissue on his lungs and gave him emphysema. He will most likely need to be on a steroid inhaler and be on oxygen for the rest of his life. He lost nearly all his weight and is balding. I just today realized that he will never be the same Gramps I remember. We don't even know how long he is going to survive. He is the closest thing to a real father I have ever had.
Essentially, I am no longer going to be able to be with either of these people.
I swear to whatever higher power there may or may not be, I will make everyone proud of me before I lose anyone.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

"Very Good Job."

I'm still alive.
Also, I'm working my ass off.
Fucking FCAT in a few weeks.
I'm not worried but...
This means less time to work on SoG.
And I'm out of school in 11 weeks.
And I really want to get the first volume published before my brother gets down this summer.
Because Brennan has always kind of been a "Well Done Son Guy" for me.
You know, for lack of a better term.
I really want him to be able to acknowledge me for doing something big.
I want him to tell me I did a good job.
"Yes, yes, very good job, Zoe."
With that smirk.
That always-there false sarcasm.
And I'd brush it off.
"Haha, yeah, thanks."
 Say it snarky.
Say it like it's nothing.
But I'd really be happier than ever.
"Yes, yes, very good job, Zoe."
That's what I want.
That's what I want more than anything.
Call it cliche.
Whatever.
I just want my big brother to be proud of me.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

UHG. I HATE WRITERS BLOCK.OH MY GOD FUCKING KILL ME. IT'S NOT WRITERS BLOCK, I JUST HATE WRITING FOR SoG. UUUUUUHHHHHHHHGGGGGG.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

I hate creepos who forget the fact that I'm a TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL.
I really just wish I was a cat right now. Then I could curl up in the cupboard and die out of sight.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

The Facepalm of Gilgamesh

I'm sorry, but I'm having trouble believing that this little weeaboo-kawaii-sugoi-nyan-desu-desu has an IQ over 20.
Origami is Japanese.
A lot of great things come from places outside of Japan (like chocolate).
If you’re drawing just to be popular, you should just stop.
And finally...
Manga/anime styles are no better than any other style. As a matter of fact, a lot of people dislike them. And realistic? I'm sorry, no. On the Sliding Scale of Abstract to Realism, manga/anime is usually placed in a light gray area between "Original Disney" (for old fashioned styles Osamu Tezuka's) right up closer under "American Comic Book" (for styles like Hideo Yamamoto's). Most styles fall between these two boundaries, with occasional exceptions for people like Lily who draw a bit more realistically than the American comic book - once again, exception not rule. As a whole, manga/anime styles are still on the cartoony side of the spectrum. This makes perfect sense once you consider that most manga/anime styles are not meant to mimic reality, just like most cartoons.
See, this is the difference between an artist and an idiot. An artist is willing to not only accept flaws in their own style, but is also open to other styles; an idiot is, well, an idiot.





One last thing...
IT'S 10% INCORRECT, BITCH!


Anyway, I here's what I posted on deviantArt last night [link] 


Also, I have a shitfuck painful ear infection and god fucking dammit I'm starting to think it'd be less painful just to rip the god-forsaken thing right out of my head.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

This Is What It Feels Like

This is what it feels like to write, draw, sing, act anything creative. It feels like you totally rule the world, like you're in charge of everything and everyone must bow to you or else they be slain, like what you're creating will never die, and you yourself are immortal by extent. That boy drawing in the corner? The girl with a beautiful singing voice? The geek in drama? That freak with their journal always covering their face? One day they'll be in charge, they'll be making a legacy. And you? You'll be the one on the street, following their rules in their world, subjected to the tyranny that is the media. We are the rulers of this world. We are the kings and queens, the heroes and the villains.
This is what it feels like...and I love it.

Thing that pisses me off # 207

When you fall asleep after school and you don't wake up until 1 minute to 9. Then the people around you complain that they couldn't get you up.
Find a way, guys, find a way. Even if I might gut you alive then, in 5, 6 minutes I'll be thanking you.

Monday, February 27, 2012

TASTE THE MOTHERF**KING RAINBOW


The Narcissism Rainbow


Red - “Everybody wants to sleep with me.”
Orange - “Everything I own is better than the rest.”
Yellow - “Everybody is friends with me.”
Green - “I am the strongest person in the world.”
Blue - “My life is horrible pay attention to me please?”
Indigo - “My soul is worth more than yours.”
Violet - “I am God and you will bow to me.”

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Sketched

YES. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just finished sketching the first 5 pages of SoG! The prologue has officially been sketched! WHOO!!! HELL YEAH!!! I am throwing a party for this, dammit!!!
Now all I need is some ink a new scanner and BAM!!! Three hours time and I will be DONE with the first 5!!!

...Now where's that scanner we ordered at Christmas that still hasn't come...?

Page 1, in all its sketchy glory.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

My Theme Song

Anyone ever heard the song "Voices Off Camera" by Rise Against? It's stuck in my head. I'll post a vid with the song when I get out of school. I generally consider it to be my theme song. Here's the lyrics in the meantime:

Can you hear the desperate cries
That are calling out your name?
Twisting your arms, holding out their hands
And tugging at your sleeve
Do you feel, this underlying sense of urgency
Or are you as blind as me?

I hit the ground and I'm still running
But I need a place to stay tonight,
I swear I'll be gone in the morning
I just need somewhere now

I can't bear the thought of losing,
I dread the attention winning brings
But ever since the day I came here
I can stand without your strings
I'm so sick of all these people
But I'm scared to be alone
And if this life has taught me anything
I forgot it long ago

And so I
Hit the ground and I'm still running
But I need a place to stay tonight,
I swear I'll be gone in the morning
I just need somewhere warm to close my eyes
Hit the ground and I'm still running
But I need a place to stay tonight,
I swear I'll be gone in the morning
I just need somewhere warm to close my eyes

The heart is something, you can't control
We either choose to follow, or be left on our own
So we're leaving here on, a less-travelled road
As desperate cries grow louder, I know we're getting close, getting close

. . .

And so I hit the ground and I'm still running
But I need a place to stay tonight,
I swear I'll be gone in the morning
I just need somewhere warm to close my eyes
Hit the ground and I'm still running
But I need a place to stay tonight,
I swear I'll be gone in the morning
I just need somewhere warm to close my eyes…


EDIT: 


Sunday, February 12, 2012

Komikku

We all know that originally English-language comics made by non-Japanese people who are drawing in anime style and calling their works "manga" irritate the fuck out of me right? And we all know how much "real (American) comic book" fans hate being associated with anime/manga styles, right? Well, I just thought of a word we could use for those English-language "manga" (*gag*) comics.
"Komikku"
It's "comic" or "comic book" transliterated into Japanese. Fitting enough, eh? Either way, it's the word I'm using to refer to my work from now on.

1:56 AM on a Saturday Night

I just spent the last hour thinking up - in detail - the history of a whole imaginary country and placing the three stages of it's development of a map of Europe, all to make my story more interesting and most likely spark a spin-off.
...
Fuck yeah.

Friday, February 3, 2012

:D


Over the last several months, I’ve had many people call my style “mediocre”, “cliché”, and “amateur”, just to name a few – and frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.[1] I’ve wanted to draw anime since before everyone started having a bloody turd about it, and that’s what I’m doing. My style for drawing people is influenced by Lynn Okamoto (Elfen Lied and Nononono), backgrounds are influenced by Jhonen Vasquez (Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Squee, I Feel Sick, and Invader Zim), and my shading is influenced by Hidekazu Himura (Hetalia). If that’s cliché, then the word has no meaning. Actually, the word cliché is cliché because the dictionary definition of “cliché” is “a trite, stereotyped expression; a sentence or phrase, usually expressing a popular or common thought or idea, that has lost originality, ingenuity, and impact by long overuse, as sadder but wiser, or strong as an ox.[2] And yes, I know anime is “generic beauty”, but I don’t really care. I’ll draw what I want. Also, I do not trace. Now stop being douchebags and grow a vagina,[3] you idiots. Thanks~ <3.

[1] Gone With The Wind

[2] Dictionary.com

[3] Betty White

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I JUST GOT AN EMAIL BACK FROM JHONEN VASQUEZ THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


EDIT: Now that I've calmed down a little. A few days ago, I sent some fan-mail to Vasquez since I finally managed to find his email. We all know I'm not the fanmail type, so... Still, I e-mailed him, and HE EM-AILED ME BACK AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
...
So much for calming down...

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Stuff

Quote of the day: "A man chooses. A slave obeys." - Andrew Ryan, Bioshock.

So, the last couple days I've been writing an essay on Stalin non-stop. It sucked. But I'm SUPERUPERSUPERSUPERSUUUUUUPPPPPERRRRRR happy, 'cus I found Jhonen Vasquez's Twitter and Tumblr!!! Seriously, the dude is my IDOL. The way I draw my backgrounds is a tribute to him. I nearly squee'd at top volume a couple seconds ago (it's 3 AM) 'cause I randomly stumbled upon an interview with him on Youtube. He snarkily called youtubers douchebags. I nearly squee'd because I got called a douchbag. THAT is how much emphasis I put on this guy.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Why I'm Not A Communist

Before I get on to the actual thing, I find it necessary to note that I finally got my new computer. AND IT HAS A TERABYTE OF MEMORY. 8D

Ehem... Anyway...

Question: "Zoeeeeeee, why aren't you a Communisttttttt? You seem to like the concept a whole lot!"
Answer: Well, my reasoning is very simple, darling. It doesn't work. And frankley, until it does work, I won't go around saying America should be Communist. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to listening to Rammstein with my brand new speakers, looking up songs with my brand new keyboard and mouse, and enjoying the Terabyte of memory on my BRAND NEW COMPUTER. Ooh, "Dalai Lama" just came on!    ♪ ... Weiter, weiter, ins Verderben ... ♪ (Yes, Reise, Reise is my favorite album)

EDIT: I just realized this is the only post I haven't sworn like a sailor in.
...

FUCK YEAH, NEW COMPUTER FUCKETY FUCKETY FUCK YEAH.
...
There. Now everything is as it should be. :)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

SOPA and PIPA - What I Think

S uck
O n
P iss
A sshole
     and
P aparappapa,
I
P redict
A pocolypse

ATTENTION: THE FOLLOWING POST HAS BEEN CENSORED WITH THE PASSING OF THE SOPA AND PIPA BILLS.
This. THIS is one of the most IDIOTIC things I have ever heard of in my entire LIFE. I swear to god, if this thing PASSES, I will strangle the nearest POLITICS-ORIENTED HUMAN. There is no reason for them. There are appropriate ways to go about stopping PIRACY - this is not one of them.
Note: When even FOX thinks it's bad, you know it crawled straight o't'ta the pits of HELL.
Just to make this CLEAR: SOPA and PIPA + Becoming LAWS = no Wikipedia, Facebook, Youtube, Craigslist, E-Bay, E-Mail, or even GOOGLE.

Love what WIKIpedia, GooGLE, and tons of other WEBsites are doing to protest THIS madness!

Sign the petition!!!

(If you don't know how to read the BLACKED OUT sections, just highlight it)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Saturday, January 7, 2012

To the 80's!!!!


My style has become very much like the first volume of Elfen Lied... Heeheehee... 80's anime style, how ironic... Beginning illustrations as soon as school gets out.

Prepare for controversy. That is all.

=:3